My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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