there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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