mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
