Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
