He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
