Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
