i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
