I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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