1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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