I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
