And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
