The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
