at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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