she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
