I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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