My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
there's paper in my vomit.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
