She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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