she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
