I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
