just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
