I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
