oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
