i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I love you. Go after that dick
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
