my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
