My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
