i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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