My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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