ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
