The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
