Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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