just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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