I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
