Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
