I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
