Im at strip club and am horny
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
