i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
