i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
As shirtless as possible
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
