So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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