if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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