I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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