I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
