I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
