Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
