How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Farmville is her only friend.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
