I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
