Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
