Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
