My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
