Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
