true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
