By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
