you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
