I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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